Marriage
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Depressing Staffroom Conversations
Scowling, Phyllicia plonks herself down at the table, emits a long sigh, then says,
“Whatever you do, don’t ever get married.”
“Yeah,” Calissa agrees, her shoulders slumped. “You’ll regret it.”
Not to be out down, Keshia frowns and says,
“And don’t ever have children.”
“Definitely,” says Calissa. “They’re the worst.”
“Yep,” Keshia and Phyllicia nod. Then, in unison, they say, “You’ll regret having children too.”
Ground Hog Day
I have heard this conversation repeated in staffrooms, and a multitude of other places, so many times, that often I have felt like I was a character in the 1993 movie Groundhog Day where a weatherman repeats the same day over and over and over until he drives himself off a cliff in, I believe, a 1971/72 Chevrolet C-10 pickup truck. Then, after having a long discussion about how miserable their spouse makes them feel and how tortured their children leave them feeling, these men and women, look at me and, in all seriousness, say,
“So, when will you be getting married and having children?”
After telling me every single thing that could possibly go wrong with my future marriage and my future children, and adamantly telling me to make sure that I never get married or have children myself, I have never known how to answer that question, except with a dropped jaw and a horrified expression in my eyes.
“When am I getting married and having children?” I would think. “Have these people lost their minds? How could anyone get married and have children after hearing all that?”
But if I ever did say,
“Well, after hearing all that, never,”
suddenly, these same people would sit up straight and with stony eyes and hardened faces, they would say,
“What? You’re not getting married? You’re not having children? You must get married. You must have children.”
Then, the next time they would see me, even if it was the very next week, some of them would march up to me and say,
“So, are you married yet? Have you had children yet? No? Well, you must.”
Which I always found utterly confusing.
Atoning Demeanours
Now that I’m older, after telling me how awful marriage and children are, and after telling me how smart I am that I have never married and how lucky I am that I don’t have children, instead of asking me when I’m getting married and having children, these kind of people now ask me a different question.
“So, why have you never married or had children?” they will say.
And sometimes I respond with,
“Because so many people told me how awful and terrible marriage and children are, I lost my nerve.”
Then, their countenance changes. Their face and shoulders become contrite.
“Oh,” they say, stuttering. “Well, you know, you shouldn’t do what people tell you to do. You should make up your own mind.”
But if everyone you knew told you that a movie or a vacation location you were planning on seeing was awful and terrible and, whatever you do, make sure you never go and see it and that if you ever do see it you’ll regret it, would you go and see it? Personally, I wouldn’t bother, but some people, despite all the horror stories they’ve heard, still go out and get married and have children. That astounds me.
We Already Know
Another thing that astounds me is that these people who complain so bitterly about marriage and having children seem to believe that they’re the first person in the world to tell you this horrific account of marital life and parenthood. They seem to believe it’s an expertly concealed secret, that married people have managed to cover up for centuries, but anyone who has access to a TV knows that many television shows and movies depict marriage and having children as the worst thing that could possibly happen to you and something to avoid at all costs. Feminists also regularly remind us of this, and anyone who grew up inside of a marriage has seen first-hand that wedded life is not always a walk in the park on an October afternoon. So, why do so many people give single, childless people so many warnings of how awful their lives will become, if they get married and become parents as well?
Balancing It Out
It never made any sense to me, and it’s not only staffrooms that spread this depressing message about marriage and parenthood. Lots of times Christians do it too. In fact, at one of the first marriage talks I attended as a teen, the first words out of the mouth of the woman who gave the talk was,
“Whatever you do, don’t get married or have children. You’ll regret it.”
In view of this, I feel that if you have suffered through a particularly horrendous marriage or an especially horrific experience of parenthood, offloading that trauma onto single, unmarried people is not the best way to cope with it. Instead, you should speak with someone who has already experienced marriage and parenthood. They’re the one’s who will know best what to say to comfort you.
And if anyone has had a wonderful or even simply a passable experience of marriage and parenthood, instead of remaining quiet, you should speak up and help balance out the number of horror stories some people have had to listen to, such as these real life excerpts I have collected from real-life men and women, some of who aren’t even Christians:
I have an amazing partner and three beautiful children who are my world.
He was kind, loving and understanding. He understood me and I miss him.
I’m so lucky to have been loved by him.
My wife and children are everything to me.
My children are the best thing I ever did.
I miss those days when I had young children to raise.
I wish I could have another baby [said by a woman well past child-bearing age].
My favourite time of life was when I had small children to care for.
Marriage is fun, so why are there so many single people at this church?
My husband only ever treated me with utmost respect and love. He was the most thoughtful and romantic man I have ever known. He was the softest and most considerate soul…He was my great love, best friend and husband of 33 years.
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